Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

A Man’s Rules

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

Got this (unattributed) via a friend in e-mail. I literally laughed-out-loud about several of the items (I think it was #1, #1 and #1.)

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ on purpose!

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat; you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  1. Crying is blackmail.
  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “Nothing,” we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  1. You have enough clothes.
  1. You have too many shoes.
  1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Have the day of your choice!

Star Wars Music Video

Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Now normally I’m not into re-posting EweToob stuff, and I typically abhor Flash movies … but I found this roll-on-the-floor funny. Thanks, Wes!

{wanders off humming the Mahna-Mahna song to self}

Word of the Day: coacervate

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

So my buddy is in China. Normally he is someplace much less exotic but this summer he decided that the family togetherness activity should be “live in China for two months.”

This isn’t actually as bizarre as it might sound. Each year our company has us set, well, personal growth goals might be an appropriate description. We have a portion of our yearly bonus tied to these … things. (I HAET the word “goal.”) Anyroad, my buddy decided a couple of years back that he was going to learn Mandarin Chinese, as he was going to be in charge of one of our development teams in Beijing. He did quite well, actually. On his trips over there he was able to hold his own in the little markets and managed to purchase interesting snacks like fried scorpion (yes, on purpose; he says they taste kind of like popcorn. We share this love of funky food, btw.) His wife even got on board and started learning Chinese as well.

To cut to the chase, they decided to take the whole family (four boys ranging from about eight to 17, and known collectively as The Busters), rent an apartment in Beijing, and live there for two months. He will spend the week in the office, more or less, and they will spend weekends (and some evenings, I’m sure) exploring bits of China and havening [sic] what, IMO, could be best described as “a blast.

Wait, I still haven’t gotten to the point of this post. I mentioned he’s kind of in charge of one of the software development teams in our Beijing office, right? Well, not so much for the project we’re on, but he is one of our senior developers and well versed in some of the more important “good engineering practices.” So one of his primary tasks, while in Beijing, is to train our coworkers there in some of the techniques we’ve been learning here. Mostly it’s stuff we’ve been (slowly) learning from Ye’ Olde Skool of Harde Knocks, but we’ve had some formalized training (read “paid good money for”) in things like design patterns, test-driven development, Qualities, the importance of automated testing, and a whole bunch of other things.

[When is he going to get to the point?!]

One of the Qualities of good software design is proper use of cohesion and coupling — that is individual chunks should be highly cohesive (all the little bits should be highly related to each other and do exactly one primary thing), but have low coupling (the chunk should not require extensive knowledge of other chunks, and the chunks they do use should be easily replaceable with other similar chunks). He was trying to explain these concepts, in English and broken Chinese, to his Chinese co-workers — who, coincidentally, speak excellent Chinese, but speak levels of English ranging from “broken” to “conversational.” Many were unfamiliar with the English term cohesion so he asked one of the senior Chinese developers for the proper Chinese word used to convey this software engineering concept. Everyone seemed to be more comfortable with the concept after that.

Not to be left out, however, my buddy had to know the etymology for the Chinese word (for cohesion) and how it translated back to English. The Chinese-English dictionary software he was using provided him with the word coacervate.

I quote from dictionary.com:

co·ac·er·vate – [n. koh-as-er-vit, -veyt, koh-uh-sur-vit; v. koh-as-er-veyt, koh-uh-sur-veyt] noun, verb, -vat·ed, -vat·ing.]

–noun
  1. Physical Chemistry. a reversible aggregation of liquid particles in an emulsion.

Pretty wild, eh? How about this one:

co·ac·er·vate (k-sr-vt)
n.

  1. A cluster of molecules.
  2. A cluster of droplets separated out of a lyophilic colloid.

and one more:

Main Entry: co·ac·er·vate
Pronunciation: kO-'as-&r-"vAt
Function: noun
: an aggregate of colloidal droplets held together by electrostatic attractive forces

But personally I like the definition my brother graciously volunteered when I informed him via IM that coacervate was the word for the day:

definition: a soothing cocoa based bromide

So there you have it. Coacervate is a whole bunch of things kind of like cohesionor possibly something soothing involving the same stuff from which chocolate is made.

Which one will you remember? :-)

Über-coolness or Peer-pressure?

Monday, June 9th, 2008

OK, so recently I did the nigh-unthinkable: I bought an iPod.

I know, I know.

But it still has the best user experience of all the (stock*) MP3 players out there.

(*I hear you can put Linux on some of them and it can make ‘em that much better, but I’m not there yet.)

Sure, iTunes is a real pain for anyone with more than six braincells—well, more than six computer-savvy braincells. Sure, it uses an internal, non-user-replaceable battery. No, you can’t just mount it as a flash-drive and drop music on it and have it access them. (You can just use it as storage, but that seems like a bit of a waste of an 8GB iPod nano, which is what I got.)

But it’s tiny. And you can watch movies on it. Yes, the screen is small, and pixels are so small as to be nigh undetectable by the unaided human eye, but it’s pretty cool to be stuck somewhere, waiting for someone to show up so you can do whatever it is you’re there waiting for them for, and just whip out the ol’ iPod and watch the next ten minutes of whatever it was you were watching when life interrupted.

I got it right before taking off for the weekend with my boys for a fathers-and-sons outing …

(note to self, write about that, too)

… and only had time to throw on a few albums before heading out to the western Utah desert. (They don’t call it a desert for nothing, let me tell you.) I played with it a little while out there and a little when we got back before my Sweetie noticed and asked, “When did you get an iPod?”

I eventually had to let her try it out. She had it in her possession for all of—and I’m not making this up—exactly four seconds before asking “So, when are you going to get one?” Yeah, exactly.

So either I have an über-cool new toy, or I’ve finally sold out to the iPod generation. The jury is still out.

(Did I mention I got a “reconditioned” one, so it was, like, 30% off?  Does that make me less of a sell-out?)

Money Woes

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008

Apparently I don’t have money woes any more. My fortune cookie told me so:

Don’t worry about money.
The best things in life are free.

I’m sure the rest of my family will be glad to know that.

Kids Will Say…

Friday, February 8th, 2008

You know the old saying, “Kids will say the darnedest things” right? Case in point:

My wife returned with a stack of homework, drawings, worksheets, etc. from parent-teacher conference at the elementary school. One of my boys described himself as

“… a gentle fire of speedy secrets.”

No joke.  In his own handwriting.

Now I’m left wondering …

Going Nose to Nose with a Hummingbird

Monday, August 27th, 2007

One of the perks of being an active Ham in the community is getting to work some fun assignments. Among the several groups I volunteer with is TERT. We basically sit up on the mountain on weekends during the summer and help folks that get themselves into trouble. [You wouldn't believe how many people think sliding down the rock-strewn snow-field found on the back (north) side of Mt. Timpanogos is good idea. Talk about "road rash!" Well, rock rash, anyway.]

Timpooneke Trail HeadEach weekend we have a group of about a half-dozen TERT members who hike up and camp near the basin below the summit. They’re there to help folks who are up on the mountain. We have two trail-heads stations, Aspen Grove and Timpooneke (tim-poo-NEE-kee). We help the folks on the way up, and on the way down.

Many of those up at High Camp are amateur radio operators, many are medically trained (EMTs, First Responders, we even have an ER doctor on the team), and many are both. We also have rock-climbers and runners to round out the skill sets. The radio operators at Trail-head are support for High Camp, responsible for communications with the Sheriff’s Office (in case SAR has to be called out, or to call for emergency helicopter extraction), to apprise hikers of conditions on the mountain, and gently suggest that they might want to take more water, clothing, etc. before setting out.

I usually man Timpooneke Trail-head on my weekends. I find myself saying things like

“The weather up high is pretty bad today; do you have jackets you could take with?”

“Those flip-flops don’t look like they would be very comfortable crossing the scree fields; do you have better footwear?”

“There isn’t any drinkable water on the trail; you might want to take more [than that half-empty 16-oz bottle] with you.”

“Well, our 9-am weather report from the summit this morning was ‘horizontal rain, with wind-chill to 30° Fahrenheit’ …” [that was the real weather report from my last weekend] “…so you might not want to go very high in your tank-top, shorts, and sandals.”

“Are you planning on hiking very far today? Your three year-old looks study enough to make it to Scout Falls—a little over a mile up the trail—but it gets pretty steep after that.”

“Oh, really; just in from California? Today? And you’d like to summit? Well, OK then. The summit is at 11,749 ft so let me give you a couple of pointers about altitude sickness and what the symptoms are. …”

“Hydrate or die!”

I was on duty a couple of weekends ago (17.-19.Jul.2007). We had some good storms roll in; lots of thunder and lightning early Saturday, heavy rain with high winds, and the like. (There’s a saying we have on TERT, “If you don’t like the weather on the mountain, just wait twenty minutes; it will be something completely different.”)

Anyway, I spent most of the day watching cold, tired, soggy hikers come down off the mountain. (Did I mention a popular thing for the students from the local university to do is start up around 0100h [yes, 1:00 a.m., as in one-hour-after-midnight] so they can be at the Summit for sunrise. I think it’s supposed to be romantic to take your significant other. It gives you a common—sometimes traumatic—experience to share. I guess.

By early afternoon, most of the sodden hikers and soggy campers had made it down. I had brought a spy novel up to read, and was making good progress, as there were few folks to talk to. [It also helped that this 290 page novel only had about 150 pages worth of material. It was spread as thin as a Junior High School report: double spaced with large margins; each chapter number thingy was on a page by itself.] I had spent most of the day in the Trail-Head shack—a little six-foot square deal with a couple of antennas on top, and windows to look out and watch folks on the trail. The rain had let up and it was turning into quite a nice day.

Cheeky little chipmunkI was sitting in the doorway reading when I felt something on my shoe; it was a brazen little chipmunk looking for something to nibble. He came by several times all afternoon, so I would toss him a few sunflower seeds; he would nibble for a minute or three, and then disappear for an hour or so.

It was during these breaks that I had the most unusual encounter I’ve ever had with wildlife—and the point of this entry, for which I’ve made you work so hard.

During one of the quiet moments, one of the hummingbirds that had been zipping past trail-head on and off all day long came for a visit. He flitted about the doorway, about an arm’s length away. He was in no hurry, and gave the impression of just sight-seeing. He was so calm about it that I gently raised my arm to see if he would lite. He hovered near, maybe two inches above my palm, buzzed over to the other side once more, then took his leave.

A little later I was standing in the shack, leaning against the door jamb. Suddenly, another hummingbird buzzed up and stopped about five inches from my nose. Just hovered there, nose to nose, staring at me for what seemed like a hummingbird eternity. It was probably only a second, maybe a second and a half, but for a hummingbird?! That’s a very long time. He buzzed from side to side, looked me square in each eye a couple of times, as though sizing me up, and then blitzed off. The whole thing lasted probably ten seconds, but it was a very surreal encounter.

Near the end of the afternoon, I think one of this friends was a little liquored up on nectar or something and came blazing in aimed right at my left eyeball! I ducked to the side, just as he came arrowing in, and he zipped around inside the shack, having himself a good look around. I stepped into the shack, up against the wall, and helped him find his way back out.

I wish I could have gotten photos of any of these little dare-devils, but the only camera I had was my cellphone. Since there is virtually no coverage, you don’t leave your phone turned on, because it drains the battery trying to find a cell tower to link to.

So, brazen chipmunks and cheeky hummingbirds. A “loverly” weekend all around.